| A STORY.
it occured to me recently that i've committed the grave faux paux of confessing
everything i feel without thinking about personal safety nets (again) --
just in case you know, he changes his mind about how he feels towards me.
see, i have this little problem of insistent disbelief. some call
it a trust issue. i'm not going to be weepy washy and say some damned guy
in my past hurt me so much i became relationship-phobic. ok, confession,
some damned guy HAD. i guess everybody goes through this sort of experience
at least once (if this seems to be a constant problem of yours, go see
a shrink and talk about your self destructive homing instincts on jerks).
now, see, i'm beginning to like someone again and i have no idea what to make of it. i really do think i've forgotten how these sort of things go -- you know, the guy-likes-girl stuff. sometimes when i ponder about it, i convince myself i'm too old for this. i want no more mind games. (am i too serious here?) then again, in certain situations, i revert to basic "girlie" reactions for which i hate myself immensely (e.g., i'm not going to talk to him today because he'll think i like him a wee bit too much. i ought to give him more of a challenge). my, my. i can be really trivial sometimes. so anyway, i'm feeling as blue as the font color i'm using for this homepage 'cause i think i did tell him way too much about how i feel. the bad part is, i'm not exactly sure what he feels. cutsey little words like "you're cool", "i like you", "i think we'll hit it off really well..." are just good for the moment. don't get me wrong. i'm really thrilled when he tells me stuff like that. but, when i don't hear from him or he seems too busy, i half expect it's his way of telling me something i ought to know in the first place -- like, he's still not really over his ex and they've been seeing each other again just for kicks, or he was just saying something because the moment seemed romantic enough, or he met this girl and well, he thinks she's cute and he's really interested in getting to know her more.... and me? well, i AM supposed to understand if that ever happens right? after all, we don't exactly have a relationship - yet. ok, enough of my silly ramblings. what i really wanted to say (yeah right) is that i'm still working on this homepage. actually, i'm right smack in the middle of trying to figure out exactly what the contents of this will be. *that* should become clearer to me in a few days, or weeks, or so. until then, well, i guess this page is under construction. |